Lost Love Letter
I’ve found a great way of saying goodbye to an old love is writing them a letter. I’ve never sent one though, it’s just a good way of reaching closure when the person is no longer a part of my life. So here it is, farewell…
some time has passed since we last saw each other at the other end of the world. It doesn’t feel like such a long time actually, because if I have to be honest, I still think about you almost every day. I’ve realised many things during this time and a lot of these realisations have been very painful. I never want to repeat the same mistakes I made with you. Yet, it seems to me now that the way things developed between us was inevitable, that it had to happen this way. Yes, that brought a lot of pain and I assume for both of us, although of course I can only speak for myself. I don’t think you were the bad guy that I first made you out to be, the one who’d take advantage of me and not care one bit what I was feeling. No, I think you had good intentions to begin with. Things went awry because, in my opinion, we were both so scared of really allowing the other person to be with us and ultimately of getting hurt, that we sabotaged this budding connection in lots of ways. By not talking openly, by assuming we knew what the other person was thinking, by rushing things, by getting ahead of ourselves and letting the hurt child inside us rule our behaviour. I can see now that I was acting defensively and was always on my guard in case you changed your mind about liking me. I had no boundaries and no idea how to articulate what I wanted, or didn’t want. It was doomed from the beginning, in my eyes, which makes me incredibly sad. I couldn’t give you a real chance, not because I didn’t like you, but because I was terrified that you could get too close to me emotionally. It was much easier to push you away, although that proved to be equally, if not even more, hurtful. I wish I could change something about my past behaviour, now that I’m smarter, and more grown-up (at least that’s what I’m telling myself), but I can’t. I wish I could say sorry to you. But you’re not here, and I’m not where you are, and who knows if we’ll ever see each other again. I’m so sorry. I know you weren’t cruel, and I know that I never meant to hurt you, and I hope you can forgive me if I did. I forgave you.
I hope that life will treat you well, that you could take something valuable from this experience (it wasn’t all bad after all), and that maybe you’ll remember me, in a little corner of your heart.