Fear no more

by Sadie

Recently I’ve been thinking about fear. Fear of the unkown to be precise. I had a hard time overcoming some of my fears in the recent past and it really pushed me out of my comfort zone. Thankfully, I wrote down what was going on with me at that time as it helps me to understand the confusion a bit better. I wrote this journal entry back in August but I still remember that day very vividly: 

As I’m coming closer to leaving Istanbul for good, I’m feeling more and more scared inside.

Over the last few days I’ve been trying to book a ticket for my flight back home but I just couldn’t manage to do it. Especially this morning when I was comparing prices I felt an immense fear coming over me. There is something that is holding me back from doing what I know I’ll have to do anyways.

Why is it so hard for me? Why am I so scared?

It probably has to do with my fear of what the future will bring for me. I’ll have to go back to my home country after an eventful and amazing experience abroad and I have no idea what I will do next. 

I was already worrisome weeks ago, before I even knew when exactly I would leave, but now that the designated date is getting closer I notice what a big tension has built up inside of me.

I’m scared of feeling the sadness when I’m back home, the sadness of leaving so many beautiful things behind that will never be the same again. Even if I come back at some point. It’s almost like I’m leaving a part of myself behind.

I’m also scared of all the responsibilities waiting for me, the things that I’ve planned to do but that sometimes seem more like a burden instead of great opportunities. What if I fail and achieve none of these things? If I’ll look back one day and realize that I set my goals too high and have been too optimistic about how much I can do in my life?

Well, honestly speaking, I know that my fears don’t come out of nowhere, they have an actual basis because all the things I’m dreading right now could really take place. Of course I could fail and become depressed.

But then, I have to tell myself that I need to accept these fears, they are a part of me and I should not ignore them. Take them as they are and still try to keep your head clear so that you don’t stop functioning entirely.

All good things come to an end, I understand that, it’s just so hard to accept it. I don’t know what the future holds for me, what my life will look like or how I will feel after this year, that almost appears like a life away from reality. Like a break from my real life.

But I shouldn’t see it like this. I’m sure I will often look back and be grateful for what I had here. Maybe I’ll even feel relieved that this time is over, that I can start over again, who knows?

‘Don’t you worry child’ hits the nail on its head I guess.

Fear is not senseless because it shows you what you’re dealing with at the moment. It never goes away completely, but you can learn to live with it and see it as your friend. Fear can guide you if you try to understand its causes and act accordingly so that it doesn’t have the power to hold you back.

Everybody has their fears, but the earth keeps moving anyway.

So there you have it. Keep moving, despite the fear. 

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ ” – Eleanor Roosevelt