by Sadie

 This journal entry was written early last month, while I was still living in Istanbul. Whenever I read it I feel happy and content with the steps I’ve taken in order to come to terms with the things that happened to me during the last year. It always puts a smile on my face…

Yesterday night I went to a great concert by the band The XX, and I felt completely exhilarated and so happy. It was an amazing feeling! I smiled for hours on end afterwards. I’m not really sure how it happened or why at this time, but I want to embrace it and nurture the happiness that I felt last night. I can’t remember when was the last time I felt so genuinely happy. I will take this as a positive sign. I’ve made such huge steps in the past months that I can be proud of.

There are some occasional setbacks of course, moments of melancholy and sweet sadness, but I will learn to embrace that too. It’s like a giant weight has been taken off my shoulders and now I am free to do whatever I want and love. Maybe this concert was just a trigger of the happiness that has been slowly growing inside of me and now I can finally enjoy it.

I still have to remind myself to be grateful and appreciative, as well as accepting of whatever comes my way. I have learned so many new things and there is a chance of real transformation right in front of me that I should embrace with all my heart.

I understand that there is no going back to where I was and who I used to be, it’s not the same anymore and the choices I made turned out to be the right ones. Even if there is still a small part of my brain telling me what could be if I gave it one more try, despite the distance and the hurt. But I’ve decided for myself that it’s not possible, I outgrew those shoes and now I have to move on to a new chapter.

There is so much to do for me out there, and I would regret it if I didn’t try my luck. Life is full of opportunities, why should I be content with less? Right now I feel like starting so many new things, so much seems possible, new places, new people, new experiences.

I know everything will be ok, I’ll give it time, my heart still needs some healing, but I won’t close it off just because I’m afraid to get hurt again. C’est la vie. Nobody can escape pain, and if you try to run away from it you will either run right back into its arms or be completely numbed.

Maybe I should practice more loving-kindness meditation because I still feel waves of anger and resentment rolling over me and that’s exhausting. Having a positive attitude is much more healthy and can take you to better places, also within yourself. Life is too short to dwell on the things that went wrong, just leave it behind and move on. And always keep a smile on your face while doing so.

On a side note, I saw a snake in my dream last night. That’s what my dream dictionary says about it: As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive change.

I hope it can really be interpreted as a positive sign (the negative ones in contrast sounded quite gloomy) and I wish that I’ll have more of those positive dreams in the future!