The Mystery of Coffee Cups

by Sadie

 Journal Part 3 #

Yesterday I forgot to write something in this new journal.

It was an eventful day as usual with all the people that came into my life recently. Although I had planned to take this time off for myself to find some clarity I don’t really seem to find enough time. Maybe I need to willingly take more time.

Anyways, I noticed that I’ve been through a range of completely different emotions in the course of only one week.

First, I felt quite happy and free from distracting thoughts because I was pondering all the possibilities that I have for my future and the way my perfect life could look like, all the places I want to see and the experiences I want to have.

Next, I realised all the things and people I’ll have to leave behind when I leave this amazing city. All the things that will become a part of my past even if I want to keep them in my present.

I started crying when I was alone and could not put my focus on other more cheerful prospects. (Once I even cried in the middle of a crowded street in front of my friends and couldn’t stop anymore).

Of course, this also had to do with the separation from someone I deeply care about and that I fell hard for when I first arrived here. I’m not even sure if this longing will last forever or how I’m supposed to act now, I’m just really confused. I just can’t seem to shake it off.

Before, when this happened for the first time a while ago, I knew that I wanted to have this someone back in my life, to talk and make up for all the lost opportunities. And maybe even grow together.

But this time, I’m more focused on what I really want from life and if this could actually be the right thing for me. It’s almost like I’m in a different and more rational place to look at things, and I feel like this is a good thing.

Once, about a month ago, I shared with a friend visiting the city that I feel like a completely different person compared to when I first arrived and she replied that I seemed to be more relaxed and happy with who I am, which made me happy in return.

Yesterday a friend’s friend I hadn’t met before read my coffee cup (some Turkish people believe you can see your destiny in your coffee cup) and told me I was struggling with finding a decision as both my mind and my heart are trying to tell me what to do and both of them are strong. But unless I listen to my heart I will not find true happiness.

So, what is it that my heart is saying? Good question, because honestly I’m not sure at what times my mind and when my heart is talking to me. The moment I feel like I understand what’s best for me everything seems fine, but next thing I know I’m unhappy again and start overthinking/overfeeling/overanalysing which leads to a state of complete indecision and, let’s say, almost despair.

That’s exactly what happens when I start missing this person again and thinking that maybe I made the wrong decision, I gave up too quickly and haven’t looked at the situation clearly enough. But now it’s too late and I can’t take back what I said and how I might have hurt this person even if I didn’t intend to.

It’s almost like I’ve been there before even if I never wanted to go back to that time.

Right now I guess I need to focus on myself and my wishes, finding out if my decision came from deep down and will lead me on the right way.

But maybe that’s life’s mystery, you can never be sure if you did the right thing or not and maybe you can’t even control it. Maybe it was meant to happen like this and all my fighting and resisting won’t change it.

And I just need to learn to accept it.